Tuesday, June 23, 2009
It's Been Four Years
Today is BananaMuffin's fourth birthday. Four years since my life changed forever. The day she was born was beautiful and warm, the sun was rising at 5 am when my water broke and woke me out of a fitful sleep. I remember taking a deep breath of fresh morning air before I got into the car to drive to the hospital. That deep breath of fresh air was the last time I was outside for nearly three weeks.
The day BananaMuffin was born was full of joy, pain, and confusion. My heart has never been more full than when that tiny newborn baby, only 5 pounds, was placed in my arms for the first time. I was so full of fear, adrenaline, and medication that I wasn't aware that it wasn't "normal" for babies to not be alert right away, or to not want to breastfeed, or make strange moaning noises, or not be able to keep their body temperature regulated. Slowly, my baby started slipping from my grasp, being prodded and poked by doctors, lab technicians, nurses, a pediatric team, being touched by everyone but her mommy before finally being whisked away to the NICU.
Scotian had gone home, they had taken her while he was gone, and came back looking for the baby. "She's gone down to the NICU." I replied, the smile disappeared from his face, "I'm worried," he said. "I'm not." I said optimistically. Little did I know.
The days that followed were a blur of pain. Emotional pain, physical pain. I couldn't walk following my Cesarean, everything hurt. I would cry from the stress, the helplessness, the fact that I couldn't understand the medical terms doctors used amongst themselves. It was though I mattered not at all. My daughter was being fed intravenously, she didn't even need me for nourishment. I pumped furiously for when the day came I could hold her again.
I would sit by her incubator and read Sandra Boynton stories and sing her the only songs I could think of - All I want Is You by U2 and Try by Nelly Furtado. Those two songs still haunt me to this day.
We were lucky. BananaMuffin got better and a year later, though small, she was a regular toddler, just learning to walk. We had a wonderful family party at Scotian's family cottage. Scotian's family was there along with my family, including my extended family. It was a lovely day. I clearly remember my father-in-law reminiscing about the day she was born. I could feel the stress welling up in my stomach, the tears starting to burn in my eyes, and I had to leave the room.
Just last week, one of my customers, who I've come to know fairly well over the last year, was talking about the celebration of the first birthday, they buried their baby's placenta as a way of commemorating, celebrating, and returning to the earth. So many feelings of accomplishment and love resounded in the story she was telling. I feel like I still grieve. Every year I am awestruck at the child who changed me so profoundly, who was the beginning of me, the true me, and how far we've both come. And every year I am dumbfounded by the pain that still sticks with me of how her birth day was so full of happiness, joy, excitement, fear, tears, disappointment, stress and pain.
To my BananaMuffin, you are a special spirit. I see wonderful things in your future. You have a personality that is creative, willful, fearless and intelligent. You and your brother are among my greatest life accomplishments. I love you both more than I can ever convey in words and I thank you for how you've shaped me.
Happy Birthday, Babycakes!
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