Monday, November 23, 2009
Just for the Health of It
This year has been a whirlwind, as every year since BananaMuffin was born in 2005 seems to have been, for varying reasons. I've had to come to terms with something I thought I was immune from: I am not super human, and my health is suffering.
For the past number of months, I've been putting the kids to bed and falling asleep right along with them, waking up at 6 am (with a few interruptions in between - they are toddlers, after all), still completely exhausted. Pour one cup then two cups of tea into my gullet to keep going, and press through the day, Pepsi, chocolate bars, quick energy. At night I would fall asleep again, wondering where my day went, exhausted, and unwilling to admit that my diet would not only cause me to gain weight, but was also causing moodiness and less patience than a mom of two needs to have.
I finally saw my Naturopath about it. The diagnosis: adrenal fatigue.
Many of you who have known me for a few years will know that it was not uncommon for me to send emails at 1:30 am, after being with my kids all day, and working at night...it was the dream - be a stay at home mom and still have an income. What I didn't realize in those early days: I was probably running on the adrenaline rush that comes after giving birth. I held it all together, for months and months, building my family, building a business. All the while, ignoring the truth that children actually need you MORE as they get older, and it's not so easy to just work during naps. I learned the hard way that for me, combining work and children was not easily possible.
Spunky in particular was a difficult sleeper, he'd wake up to breastfeed at least once an hour, and would wake up if I rolled over or if his "favourite" breast wasn't easily within reach. During the day, he didn't nap unless he was in a sling or carrier or otherwise still within easy reach of the breast. For a year I lived on catnaps only, with a two-year-old on the verge of giving up naps, and my reluctance to schedule our day - I was exhausted to the core.
Getting the store ready required my attention about 16 hours a day for a number of months, and the upswing of opening further spiraled me down into the Pepsi-and-chocolate-bar solution. I would buy my lunch every single day - some days more healthy than others.
I finally am realizing that my fatigue is really a form of burn out. I've maxed out my resources, and I'm not doing anything to replenish them. While I am now taking herbal supplements to help, the real solution is up to me - I need to change the way I treat myself, and I need to stop relying on soft drinks and chocolate as my motivation. It's not easy. This morning I packed a lunch, something I thought I left behind in university - I can't even stand the thought of sandwiches, but it seems to be the best solution for me right now.
I also would like to balance my work schedule a little bit more. It is definitely getting better, thanks to some really wonderful staff and having our routines better established. I need to find honest-to-goodness "downtime", which for me means having some space, taking some time away from the city with my family.
I want to gain back some of that energy so I can pursue evening activities that I enjoy - sewing, a little bit of crafting...the ideas never stop, but I am far too young to be as old as I feel!
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